Keys to recover after tragedy and loss
Stress and materialism make us forget to take time to recover and heal our inner selves
Dream that helped me move on in life
What helps us recover varies, sometimes it’s support from friends, other times coming to terms with the event, also dreams can be helpful or knowledge that answers questions.
I had a short dream about being reconciled that helped me during a process of recovery.
In the dream, I saw a ladder going up to a hut. So in the dream I climbed up the ladder and into the hut and there was a woman I recognised. The strange thing was that in the dream I felt that everything was not right.
External and internal wounds
Anyone who cuts or scrapes their knee so it bleeds usually puts a plaster on it to make it heal. Our skin is both soft and fragile and is easily damaged if something harder comes against it.
Our insides are certainly as sensitive and fragile as our skin. But because we don’t see the wounds inside, it’s easy to just carry on after tragic events as if nothing had happened. Our modern and materialistic outlook makes us forget to nurture our inner life.
Counsellor Anita Barker writes: “It’s common for life’s dustbin to become overflowing in your forties and you end up in a life crisis of ‘sweeping under the carpet’ or ‘putting the lid on’. This often affects physical health. The best remedy for a mid-life crisis is not to change jobs, homes and families, but to empty the dustbin.”
Barker, who has met thousands of people, says we should pause in our stressful lives and take time to heal our inner wounds. Otherwise, all our internal wounds will grow as hidden inflammations and negatively affect our lives in the future and also affect relationships with others.
Everyone can be affected by losses
Big or small, rich or poor, unfortunately tragedies and losses can happen to everyone.
Something happens inside us when something serious happens or we lose what is of value to us. Unfortunately, there are many different events that can affect our health and cause grief and disappointment:
-Disease: finding out about cancer or ALS is overwhelming and difficult
-Divorce: can be gruelling and painful for adults, children and family members
-Burnout: worked or studied too much, causing depression and resignation
-Abuse: violence or abuse causes trauma and deep wounds
-Separation: friendship or love relationship that crashes can cause sadness and depression
-Accident: car accident or workplace accident can cause disability
-Bullying: years of bullying at school or at work can damage self-confidence and zest for life
-Infidelity: damages trust and relationships and causes terrible grief
-Disaster: the Estonia disaster or natural disasters can ruin people
-War: traumatic experiences and nightmares
Diagnosis can cause shock
Professor Johan Sundstrom in Uppsala says that: “we know that the time just before a heart attack is very dynamic. The month after a divorce, for example, the risk of a heart attack is doubled, and the week after a cancer diagnosis, the risk of cardiac death is fivefold.”
Often we are not prepared to find out about something tragic or terrible that can be shocking and traumatic, it can become such a stress that we get sick or killed by stroke or cardiac death.
What caused the incident
Studies show that people recover more quickly if a storm blows a tree down on a car with a person in it, compared to if a person accidentally cut a tree down on a car with a person in it.
If a storm causes damage, there’s really no one to blame, it was bad luck. But if one person causes unnecessary suffering to another person, then mechanisms and thoughts arise in a person who is affected, that this should not have to happen. The grief, pain and disappointment increase the more serious the event that affects a person.
What an image of God
No one is perfect, which means that our interpretation of Scripture is not perfect, which means that our image of God can be more or less according to Scripture. From the idea of a good God to a judgmental God.
We humans can build up an exaggerated image of God, that God fixes almost everything for us, it’s like a cardboard figure that we hope will fulfill all our wishes, that we will have health and success and happiness. But if we suffer from problems and illness over a long period of time and do not get help even though we pray for it. Then disappointment can arise because what we are experiencing does not match the image of God that we have built up. We may not be aware of it, that we are not really disappointed in God but in the exaggerated cardboard image of God we have built up. Therefore, it is important to reconcile with ourselves and with God when it comes to the image of God, so that disappointment does not take over our lives.
To reconcile
One doctor told that many patients at the hosptal could be sent home if they understood forgiveness and practised it, because many suffer from psychosomatic illnesses that affect their whole health.
But forgiving those who have hurt and harmed you can feel almost impossible.
If it is too big a step, the process of forgiving can be divided into 2 steps. It says in scripture that everyone will give an account and that Jesus paid for everyone’s sins through the atonement on the cross.
The first step is to say that the person who hurt you will have to settle with God and pay the debt to Jesus, the second step is to say that Jesus will pay that person’s debt to you through the atonement on the cross.
A psychologist said that a serious event we have experienced is often repeated in our minds again and again, until we reach a point where we can move on with our lives.
Much like forgiveness, you often come to a point where you can forgive those who have hurt you, there is no time machine to go back in time and change what happened, therefore you should let it go and move on.
What is happening is similar to walking around carrying a lot of heavy stones and every now and then stones fall off the backpack. Much the same with forgiveness, we carry the burden of guilt of unforgiveness and the more we forgive others who have hurt us the more we find ourselves becoming freer and freer.
What is hugely important is that we forgive ourselves too, whatever mistakes we may have made in the past.
The only thing we can do is forgive others and forgive ourselves and try to move on in life.
Sexual abuse
The #metoo phenomenon on social media shows how common sexual assault and harassment is and it is important that it is brought to light so that it can be addressed. It is when one person does or says something to do with the body or sex that the other person finds uncomfortable. Sexual harassment is never okay, and can be a crime. Sexual harassment is a behavior that is unwanted. It is up to the person being harassed to decide what is unwanted or offensive. It is therefore important that the person being harassed has the courage to stop and make it clear to the harasser that the behavior is unpleasant and unwelcome.
Marilyn Monroe was sexually abused as a child.
Marilyn says: It is said that you quickly forget terrible events in life. Others may do. Not me.
I was about 8 years old and lived in a foster home that took admissions.
I remember an elderly man who lived there.
One day he beckoned me into his room.
I went in and he immediately locked the door.
He kissed me and started doing other things with me.
He said, “It’s just a game.”
I could leave when the game was over.
I ran to my foster mother, cried and told her what he had done.
She gave me an ear file.
I was so hurt that I started stuttering….
Another woman says “My secure upbringing was shattered when I was 8 years old. One day I was a happy and outgoing girl, the next day I wasn’t, I was different. Even though I didn’t understand it then, my life would never be the same again”.
One of the greatest tragedies a person can suffer is sexual abuse. Your whole life and future is turned upside down. This is an area that many people avoid talking about, some find it so uncomfortable that they hardly want to think about it. But silencing it and sweeping it under the carpet doesn’t help. How can affected people get help if no one dares to talk about abuse and that there is a possibility of inner healing. Psychologist Diane, who has spent 30 years helping people who have been abused. She estimates that around 20% of women and 15% of men have been sexually abused at some point in their lives.
One of the world’s best high jumpers, Patrik Sjöberg, talks about abuse in his youth. It has affected his whole life.
For many victims of abuse, the event is so traumatic that they lose all or part of their memory of the incident. This type of shocking experience is known as PTSD in the medical and psychological fields (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome). PTSD is not a disease but a kind of neurological effect on the brain. Abuse also causes a deep sense of shame and guilt that makes the tragedy even more difficult to talk about. That’s why it’s so important that people who have been victimised dare to talk and are allowed to tell the terrible story, even if the shame is hard to bear.
More info about Trauma and PTSD.
A woman who was helped with the grieving process by counselor Diane wrote: “Something happened the other day, and I felt something I’ve never felt before. It took me a while to realize it was joy. I’ve never felt joy before, so it was an amazing experience.”
Infidelity
Gossip magazines report on celebrities’ new loves and even infidelities. It paints a picture of infidelity as something that brings a few tears and anger but which the person then shakes off after a few days. Seeing infidelity on film is one thing, but up close it is shocking and upsetting. Being betrayed by the person you live with and love causes a lot of grief, pain, disappointment and anger. The first thing that happens to the one who has been betrayed is shock and anger, how could the other party do such a thing. Infidelity brings indescribable pain deep in the heart, words are not enough to describe what it is like to break down inside. The joy of life is also damaged. The sufferer experiences it as one big horrible nightmare and hopes to wake up and all is well again. In the midst of all the chaos on the inside, lots of questions, why, why, why are thrown at the betrayer.
When reality catches up with the person who has cheated, that person feels a great deal of guilt and shame, especially from seeing the other party break down inside from the betrayal.
Many people say they would divorce immediately if their partner was unfaithful, but in reality it’s not so simple if the children are still living at home. Finding a new husband or wife after 10 years of marriage is not so easy. There are so many areas that need to fit together, apart from humour and interests.
Sense of failure
Unfortunately, many people who have experienced tragedy and abuse can feel a sense of failure and shame. It is strange that the victim should feel shame, because it should be the perpetrator who should feel shame and guilt. Sometimes the victim of abuse can experience such a strong and unpleasant feeling of shame and guilt that they do not tell others about this difficult experience. It becomes like a dark secret that you carry around. That’s why it’s so important to understand how vital it is to dare to talk about the incident so you can start to heal inside. Dare to talk about the terrible things you have experienced, because then the shame starts to shift to the perpetrator who committed the terrible crime.
The first step towards inner healing is knowledge and understanding of how deeply abuse and infidelity affect the whole being. The inner wounds of the soul run so deep, people who have been affected need help and support to get through the grieving process and become whole again. That’s why you can’t go to the first psychologist just because you’re desperate. It is important to choose a psychologist or counsellor with care who you feel you can trust and who is experienced.
Song below “Amazing Grace” and “You Are Forgiven” (swe) can lift up a person who has experienced tragedies and abuse and wash away the feelings of shame and dirt and failure because you are forgiven.
Listen to song: AMAZING GRACE – FORGIVEN (eng)
Listen to song: YOU ARE FORGIVEN (swe)
Help or hinder
Many years ago, a friend and I went to Asia to help build orphanages. The trip took place during a very difficult period in my life. While we were there, I tried to lighten my heart and tell my friend how bad I really felt. But my friend replied a bit cold-heartedly that it was “just to stand in faith” and “just to pray”. It was really not an answer that helped me. Rather, it felt nonchalant, so I decided not to tell her any more about how I felt.
But a few years later, this friend suffered a tragedy. His wife died after a short period of cancer and it took a heavy toll on him. He went to another city, started drinking and hanging out with people in the underworld. One day he called me and told me where he was and that the police were watching him. I went off to that town and picked him up and drove him home. At his home, I emptied all the alcohol bottles and took him to a meeting that changed his mind. After a few days he was stable enough for me to go home again.
This story wants to highlight the importance of being compassionate and trying to put yourself in other people’s shoes, before making statements about how easy it is. My friend who talked about “just believing” when I was having a hard time, it pushed me down instead of helping me. Later, when he himself suffered a tragedy. Then it wasn’t so easy, it wasn’t “just believing” when tragedy and grief were near and real.
Supporting the bereaved
After a tragedy, many family and friends feel uncomfortable and don’t know what to say or do for the bereaved. It is never possible to “fix” a person’s grief. But it is possible to help in other ways such as socialising, talking, running errands, vacuuming, washing dishes or taking their children to the playground. Above all, it is important to be a good listener.
Often, helping the bereaved can feel thankless because they don’t have the energy to show gratitude. Almost as if the bereaved are not quite themselves. That’s right, the mourner is in a “bubble” because all the energy is spent processing what has happened. There’s not much energy left to get involved in other things. Helping the bereaved is not something that can be fixed by a one-day effort. Because it can take months and you probably won’t get a Nobel Prize for it either. It’s not a hundred meter race, processing grief is a marathon that takes a long time. Yet the bereaved are in great need of help and support, more than they would like to admit. That’s why it’s important to support those affected by tragedy. Otherwise, they may never get over the grief and live in some kind of depression for the rest of their lives.
Examples of what to avoid saying because it weighs the mourner down even more:
– “come on now, life goes on”
– “I don’t understand why you’re still grieving”
– “it was only your aunt who died”
– “you should have listened to me, then this wouldn’t have happened”
– “just move on, there are more to choose from”
– “don’t you appreciate the rest of us who are still alive”
– “be glad it wasn’t your children”
– “it was just a dog, no one should feel that way about an animal”
– “it could have been worse”
Most important of all to help the bereaved is to be present. It works wonders, even if it doesn’t show on the surface, small positive things happen inside the mourner. If you can’t help practically, it is a great help just to listen, even if nothing is said.
Listening does not mean saying something when the mourner has stopped speaking. It’s about focusing on the content of what was said without judging it. Listening is trying to understand the other person’s situation and how that person feels. Those who have suffered tragedies often see everything through dark glasses, a dark and gloomy world. It does not help to argue or contradict what the bereaved person has said, because that makes the situation worse. It is better just to keep quiet. Being silent does not mean that you agree with what the mourner thinks. Listening is an art. It is trying to see the sufferer’s inner pain, grief, frustration, fear and sense of hopelessness.
If you want to listen to the thoughts of the bereaved, you can say “I want to hear what you have to say” in a nice way and try to sense the mood. If the mourner is not in the “mood” to talk, just being present is probably enough. Giving your time and just being there is an enormously important friendship for the bereaved.
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Food impact on recovery and health
Doctor Mats shows research on how important it is to eat well to feel better mentally.
Tragedies often cause depression in people, which in turn may make them not want to bother with healthy food or consume lots of unhealthy sweets that can unfortunately make the situation worse.
Modern research shows that better nutrition has a much better impact on reducing mental illness/depression than psychotherapy. And that poor diet and strange E substances can cause inflammation in the body.
So it can be good for everyone to try to think about diet too.
Good diet that seems to fight depression:
– Traditional dietary patterns, proven by time, e.g. “Mediterranean diet”
– Whole grains, vegetables, legumes, fruit, nuts
– Enough vitamin D
– More omega-3 fats: fish, seafood, flaxseed
– Enough Magnesium
Bad food that increases the risk of depression:
– Sugar, sweet drinks, sweet pastries, sweets
– White flour, white bread, white rice, pasta, pizza, pancakes
– margarine
– Calorie-free soft drinks
– Fast food and processed food (ready-made frozen food in shops)
Lecturer: Mats Humble, Senior Physician, Örebro University Hospital, 2017-03-15.
Books with teaching
Author: Diane Langberg
Title: On The Threshold Of Hopee
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